Sensory Friendly Birthday Parties

One of the great joys of parenthood is celebrating milestones with our children. Some are huge- like first steps, first words and that first baby tooth falling out. Others are ritualistic- like the first day of school or birthday parties. Birthday parties are big business nowadays and it’s easy to drop $500 for 90 minutes of mania. And why shouldn’t we- both parents and kids can have fun and you’ll only get a few when you’re young. Most parents take it for granted, but parents of children with cognitive disabilities like Autism view it in a completely different way. They also want to celebrate their child’s birthday, but the possible limitations or anxiety is a major deterrent. As a father of 11-year-old Autistic twins, we made the decision to have a small play date instead of a big birthday party on several of their birthdays. In years where we saw growth in behavioral development, we went for it. The planning and thought we put into making them successful were monumental. We learned that the key to success is planning down to the last detail, but still being flexible enough to change at the drop of a hat. Even something deemed as a preferred activity like attending a birthday party can quickly become debilitating to a child who has sensory issues. Like many parents with kids on the spectrum, we’ve learned (the hard way) how to host a birthday party where our kids can be successful, and invitees can have a great time. These tips may help you:

1.      The venue sets the tone- pick a place that is not overwhelming and that the birthday child has been before. Many businesses that cater to birthday parties will turn music down or off all together, adjust lighting or carve out a completely private area for the party. Do not simply sign up on-line. Talk to someone and find out exactly how they run the party. Ask if the staff has experience working with children on the spectrum.

2.      Invite a small group. As much as parents view birthday parties as a social outlet themselves, it’s about the birthday child. If they are easily overwhelmed, don’t put them in a position where they can’t succeed. Make it feel more like an intimate play date rather than a big party that may cause them anxiety and spur on unexpected behavior. If you are not friendly with parents of the guests, it’s okay to let them know that this may not be the “typical” birthday experience.

3.      Keep the party moving and keep it short. The key is to leave on a positive note so that the door will be open for a birthday party next year.

4.      Plan a few backup activities that can work at the party venue just in case Plan A doesn’t go as expected. Our kids don’t like to be sung the happy birthday song (they get sad- don’t ask…) so we just bring out the cake and let them blow out the candles.

5.      Coach the birthday child up front that presents may or may not be collected at the party and will be opened at home later. My kids tend to say inappropriate things when given gifts (I don’t want this!) so eliminating that opportunity saves some embarrassment on the part of the parents and doesn’t offend the gift giver.

While most of our kids’ friends have parties at a venue, hosting a party at home may still be the best option. First of all, they are in the place they are most comfortable. If they get overwhelmed, they can take a break and recovery is generally quicker. One year we had a Lego themed party. We invited four friends- each got a Lego set and we built together. One parent on each child (if needed). They got to bring home the Lego set. They got to play outside and had access to a room full of toys to keep them occupied. There was no set end time, so it happened naturally.